When Did Every Ex Become a Narcissist? The Rise of a Word We Once Rarely Spoke

It’s almost hard to remember a time when narcissist wasn’t part of our everyday vocabulary—when it wasn’t casually lobbed across group chats, TikTok videos, or reality TV confessionals. But according to therapist Israa Nasir, MHC, that shift is surprisingly recent.

Before 2020, she says, the word lived mostly inside therapy offices. Then came Donald Trump’s hush money trial, and a dismissed juror calling him a narcissist in a long-forgotten post. Add psychologist Mary Trump’s speculation in her 2020 book, and suddenly, the label broke loose from its clinical confines. It spread quickly—like wildfire ignited by collective frustration—seeping into conversations about toxic exes, disappointing dates, and complicated parents. The word was sticky. It was sharp. And it felt like a relief to finally name something that hurt.

A Culture Obsessed With Naming the Villain

Today, the term is everywhere. TikTok is overflowing with tutorials on how to spot a narcissist before your appetizer arrives. Reality shows toss the word around during heated reunions. Even research ties the cultural obsession to the rise of the “ick.”

It’s become part of the cultural ether—a shorthand for the people who have wronged us, a label heavy enough to make others take our pain seriously. As psychotherapist Courtney Tracy, LCSW, PsyD, puts it, calling someone selfish doesn’t quite communicate the depth of what they did. But narcissist? That lands. Still, as with any trend, there comes a moment when we have to pause and ask: Are we describing someone’s behavior—or diagnosing them?

Traits vs. a True Diagnosis

Here’s where the nuance often gets lost. Gaslighting, arrogance, emotional manipulation—these are narcissistic traits, yes. But they do not automatically make someone a narcissist.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a rare, complex clinical diagnosis. Someone with NPD has a consistently inflated sense of self, deeply impaired empathy, and behavioral patterns that show up in every corner of their life. And as Scientific American notes, that grandiosity often masks extreme insecurity.

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Dr. Tracy explains it clearly:

NPD is persistent, pervasive, and profoundly difficult to change.

Most people who get labeled a narcissist would never meet the criteria—and most clinicians avoid giving the diagnosis lightly because of its lifelong consequences.

How Rare Is Narcissism, Really?

Surprisingly rare. A 2013 review estimates that NPD affects only 0.5 to 5 percent of the U.S. population, and many professionals avoid assigning it unless absolutely necessary, given the potential fallout in legal or personal arenas. So statistically speaking, most of the people we’re slapping the label on probably aren’t narcissists—they might just be flawed, impulsive, selfish, or emotionally immature. Which raises an important question: What happens when we overuse a word meant to describe something so serious?

The Consequence of Calling Everyone a Narcissist

Using the term casually may help us articulate our pain, but it also has ripple effects. Overuse can dilute the seriousness of NPD, stigmatize people with the diagnosis, and trivialize the experiences of those who have truly survived narcissistic abuse. And yet, for some people, hearing the term spoken out loud for the first time can be deeply validating. For survivors of manipulation or gaslighting, recognizing the pattern is often the first step toward freedom. Naming their reality becomes a form of reclaiming it.

But as Nasir reminds us, humans love to pathologize everything. Sometimes that helps us make sense of our emotions—but we forget that behavior exists on a spectrum. Not every harmful person is a narcissist. Some are simply, as Dr. Tracy bluntly puts it, “assholes.”

How to Pause Before Using the Label

If you’ve tossed the term around a bit too freely in the past, don’t beat yourself up. We use the language we have to describe our experiences, especially painful ones.

But before using the word again, Dr. Tracy suggests asking yourself:

Does this person act this way with everyone, or only in certain situations?

Can they accept criticism, or is it impossible for them to self-reflect?

Do they constantly need admiration and attention?

Do they show empathy for some people—or none at all?

Do they have a realistic view of themselves, or an inflated one?

Even if the answer to many of these is “yes,” that still doesn’t make you qualified to diagnose them.

Instead, describe the behavior. Protect yourself. And if the patterns are consistent and harmful, seek support.

Supporting a Friend Without Policing Their Vocabulary

If a friend calls someone a narcissist in a moment of heartbreak, you don’t necessarily need to correct them. Instead of dissecting terminology, be curious. Ask questions. Listen. Hurt people need space to speak their hurt out loud.

“Wait… Am I a Narcissist?”

If you’re asking, the answer is almost certainly no. True narcissists do not question themselves. They don’t stop to wonder if they’re the problem.

But if you’re noticing behaviors you want to change, start with reflection. Ask people you trust what they see. Work with a therapist if you can. Or begin reshaping your reactions, especially in moments of conflict.

Even small shifts—like taking a beat before responding—can change the entire texture of your relationships.

The Bottom Line

As Dr. Tracy says:

“People who are just assholes need to start caring more. People with narcissistic personality disorder need a therapist.” There’s value in naming our pain. There’s also power in using language responsibly. And maybe the real question isn’t whether someone is a narcissist—but whether we’re using the label to understand the truth…or to avoid sitting with it.