How to Handle Loneliness In Marriage

Recently,  videos of a random Russian guy picking up Kenyan Ladies from the streets by only stating that he is Russian have taken the internet by storm. What's surprising is the fact that even married women with kids fell for the guy. The leaked videos have led to social media outbursts with various people coming up to express their opinions on the matter. Most men evidently are taking the opportunity to throw stones at women blaming them for being cheap and vulnerable to promises of material gain. Feminists are also out, condeming local men for not living up to the masculine expectations of the ladies. This incident however opens the door to investigations into silent matters affecting marriages. And one such matter is loneliness. 

To feel lonely, you don't need to be by yourself. Although being in a committed relationship may seem like the answer to loneliness, many people marry because they want a lifelong companion. But it's absolutely possible to be married and still feel lonely.

People who want more social interaction but feel cut off from others are said to be lonely. It's more about how you *feel* about your relationships with other people. If you've ever experienced loneliness in a crowd, you understand that social interaction isn't always a panacea for loneliness. 

Is loneliness common in married life? Being married but lonely is far from unusual, according to an AARP survey conducted in 2018. Almost one-third of married adults over 45 said they felt lonely.

The answer isn't always to simply spend more time with your spouse. Ultimately, simply being in their company does not ensure that you won't experience loneliness. Your significant other may make you feel empty, unwelcome, or misunderstood instead of close and connected.

Indications of Loneliness in Marriage

Loneliness cannot be cured by living with someone else. Your sense of belonging to your spouse is what prevents you from feeling alone and isolated in your partnership. The following are some indicators that you may be experiencing loneliness in your marriage:

Even when you are together, you still feel lonely. You feel as though there is a gap between you that you are unable to bridge.

You don't communicate with one another. Maybe you think your spouse doesn't care what you have to say. Or perhaps you simply don't want to share the specifics of your day with them. Either way, the lack of communication is causing feelings of disappointment and loneliness. You look for excuses to stay away from your spouse. This could entail finding activities to keep yourself occupied away from your partner, staying late at work, or just browsing social media to avoid talking to them.

You have sex infrequently or never. Your relationship lacks both physical and emotional intimacy.

Feelings of loneliness in your marriage can be caused by any of these things. One partner in the relationship may be the only one impacted at times, but frequently both partners may feel alone and disconnected from their partner.

Why Do Married People Feel Alone?

According to research, loneliness has increased recently.3. People who were dissatisfied with their family life were more likely to report feeling lonely, according to a 2018 Pew Research Center survey.

Loneliness in your marriage can be caused by a variety of factors:

Family and Work

The demands of work and family are two of the most frequent causes of married couples feeling as though they are drifting apart. You may feel like two ships passing in the night when you are both battling hectic schedules that include working, taking care of children, and balancing other obligations.5 You may feel that you are becoming more and more distant from your partner because you don't spend much time together as a couple.

Events That Cause Stress

Relationship rifts can occasionally be caused by the difficulties that couples encounter together. considerably the strongest of relationships can be strained by a stressful or traumatic incident, but it can feel considerably more challenging if it highlights or intensifies marital flaws.

If you think your partner isn't being compassionate or supportive, losing your job may become more challenging. In certain situations, even after the tense situation has been settled, you could still feel alone and abandoned.

Impractical Expectations

In certain situations, your loneliness may be more related to unmet demands than it is to your partner. For instance, having poor relationships with others outside of your marriage may lead you to assume that your spouse will take care of all of your social requirements. It's understandable that you become unsatisfied as you are seeking on your partner to satisfy a demand that they are not able to realistically fulfill.

Absence of susceptibility

Feelings of loneliness can sometimes result from not showing your lover your vulnerability. This implies that your closest friend or family member is unaware of the most private and sensitive aspects of your life. It's much harder to feel understood and connected to your spouse if you don't discuss your deeper feelings, such as your concerns and dreams. 

Comparisons on Social Media

Loneliness can also be exacerbated by drawing irrational parallels to relationships you observe on social media. According to a 2017 study, individuals who used social media more frequently also reported feeling more lonely.

The COVID-19 epidemic most likely made this rise in loneliness worse. During and even after the pandemic, many people's social networks shrank significantly, which put a lot of strain on married couples.7

The epidemic frequently compelled people to rely on their spouses to carry out all of these responsibilities, whereas previously they had other partnerships to help meet some of their social demands. Even after the epidemic, people's social circumstances have changed due to shifting workplaces, a rise in telecommuting, and other life changes. You may therefore feel as though you are not receiving the necessary support when your partner is unable to fulfill all of these requests.

The Impact of Marrying and Being Alone

The sense of loneliness is emotionally distressing. Additionally, not many people discuss it. Regretfully, studies also indicate that these emotions may be detrimental to your mental and physical well-being. Loneliness may impact you in the following ways:

Increased use of drugs and alcohol

Elevated risk for depression8 Lee SL, Ajnakina O, Pearce E, et col. A 12-year population-based cohort study examined the relationship between depressive symptoms and loneliness in persons 50 years of age and older.

Reduced immunity

Poor general health

Increased risk of stroke and cardiovascular disease

Loneliness might have further negative effects on your wellbeing. You may be less inclined to practice health-promoting habits like working out or eating a balanced diet if you are feeling lonely in your marriage. Additionally, it may interfere with your sleep, lead to stress, or generate pessimistic thoughts that may be harmful to your health.

How to Handle Being Married yet Feeling Alone

There are actions you may take to feel more connected if you are experiencing feelings of isolation or loneliness in your marriage. Spending more time with your spouse, talking to them, and determining the potential root of the issue are all excellent places to start.

Speak with your spouse.

Talking to your spouse about your feelings and finding out whether they are the same is the first step. It's probably something you two can work on to get back in touch and develop a stronger sense of connection if you are both experiencing loneliness. 

Addressing this loneliness may be more challenging if it is one-sided. You may need to work on something else if you feel lonely even when your partner is providing you with emotional support. 

Don't assign blame.

It's crucial to refrain from assigning blame when you try to overcome loneliness in your relationship. Your partner may get defensive and feel assaulted as a result.

Have these talks about your own wants and feelings rather than what your partner isn't doing ("You never ask me questions about my day!"). For example, "I've been feeling alone, and it would help me if you asked me about my experiences and feelings."

Increase Your Time Together

Another crucial step is to spend more time with your partner. Focusing on your relationship might be challenging due to the responsibilities of everyday life, such as job and family.5 Some activities that can make you feel closer to your spouse include scheduling a date night, going to bed at the same time, and discussing your days.

Restricting your use of social media could also be beneficial. Heavy social media use may exacerbate emotions of loneliness and isolation, according to the research.

Unrealistic expectations regarding your personal relationship may also result from it. You could feel less optimistic about your own life and relationships when you see filtered highlights of other people's.

Spending more time with your partner is one advantage of limiting your use of social media. Establish a time and place where you put your phone down and concentrate on your spouse if you've noticed that you're scrolling through your newsfeed rather than speaking to them.

Seek Expert Assistance

You should think about discussing your marital status and loneliness with a therapist if it continues to cause issues. Couples therapy can be very beneficial in addressing issues related to communication, intimacy, empathy, and trust.

A therapist may assist you in improving your communication skills, learning more about how to connect with one another, and addressing any underlying problems that may be causing problems in your marriage.